|Posted on October 16, 2016 at 1:25 PM|
Have you missed me? I have missed you! I have missed writing. I have been so busy with the fallout from a nearly split second decision that I haven’t had the energy, time, or inclination to sit at a keyboard. Mind you, I have written several blogs in my head during my new commute, but they don’t exactly translate to the internet….
First let me say, in retrospect, I am crystal clear that I manifested that infamous call and our subsequent move. My husband and I had talked about making a move, my walking buddy and I had talked about it, my dil and I had daydreamed about living in the same city. We had discussed with close friends moving to Europe for a year or so, and had even joined a couple of organizations to that end. Everything about my conversations and my focus, had been towards moving even though we were locally looking for a house to buy. Go figure.
So when these moments arrive, what compels us to say yes? What compels us to say yes to a shift in our entire existence? What compels us to say yes without having all, or even a few, pieces in place? I know you are probably expecting an answer here, but all I can offer is this. I can say, from a logical standpoint, that I was given a job offer I couldn’t refuse at this stage in my life, but that’s not the whole truth. And yes, we have family here including our only grandchildren, but I am not sure that was even the core reason. Yes, it’s beautiful here. Yes, we were ready for our next adventure. But the best response as to why less than 24 hours after deciding to look for out of state employment, I said yes without taking a breath to think or even be present with my decision is this; I felt compelled. It’s that simple. I couldn’t have said no without feeling out of alignment.
I knew that truth in the moment, and then it got buried under a flurry of activity, a state of shock, a bit of terror, and the non-stop voice in my head that was trying to make sense of what was happening. The following weeks, that truth resurfaced again and again. But it didn’t seem like enough. Really? You uprooted both of your lives, left your friends you love and a city you adore to maintain alignment? What. The. Blessed. Hell. But there it is dear ones. I was compelled. It’s that simple.
During this process I have discovered that while traveling gives us a new perspective and lovely experiences, I have learned that moving to new places requires more than glimpsing a different view. It asks that you dig in, embrace the unknown, that you explore. It demands that you be brave in that stepping-off-a-cliff kind of way, and it really isn’t interested in comforting you in the process. No, relocating is a tough love friend. At times she is a bitch. In those moments I am grateful for family, for long distance friends, for my partner.
But while the journey has been difficult, as in I have wanted to run on more than one occasion, the benefits have been astounding. On a personal level I have been cracked wide open and given the chance to grow. I have had many occasions to practice what I teach, to witness myself being and doing more than I thought possible, to maneuver a new culture with an open heart, to share my essence with no protection. It has been painful, that is the nature of growth and expansion. It fucking hurts. It has also had its moments of exhilaration. It has empowered me beyond explanation while continuing to challenge me to show up and ask more of myself. It asks me to be more.
And in the end? No regrets. Not a single one. I have promised myself that when the Universe whispered in my ear, I would listen. And I did. I have promised myself that I will choose growth. And I have. I will choose to say yes to whatever life is generous enough to offer me. And then, always, I will say thank you. Even in the moments I want to run I will choose gratitude.